Tired

Yesterday is one of those nights when I started to feel dismal all of a sudden. Like, really for no apparent reason. I guess I need to visit the psychiatrist :(

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. It's all the insecurities acting up that cause me to think so much or it's really that my instinct is accurate sigh. Life isn't easy at all. I'm still learning on how to open up to others because I'm really afraid of letting my guards down. Thinking what if history repeats itself again. Really can't afford to have anymore heartbreaks. In this 16 years of my life, I'm always having endless of dramas. Literally everyday there's bound to have something bad happen..

Up till now, I still can't believe I'm in Poly. It doesn't feels real at all. Sometimes I wished that my friends are here with me. The ones who know me best, inside out. The ones who went thru thick and thin with me. The ones who seen me in my worst and in my bad. The ones who never judge me no matter what. Because honestly, I feel damn shit whenever I'm alone. Yes although I'm surrounded by a lot of friends, a part of me would still feel quite empty. Well, everyone has friends obviously, but I'm sure they have their own "partner" and I'm all here awkward, always being the odd one out. Yeah, this is life, I'm destined to be all alone.

My classmates, however, are still nice people though, especially those closer ones who never fails to make me laugh like a madwoman everyday. Thank god for them if not I wouldn't know how I'm going to survive in class everyday. Times like this, again, I wished I'll never have to look back to the past anymore because honestly, I dislike mentioning or recalling about it. All the heartbreaks, tears and hurt that people had did to me. Well, I'm done with this shit seriously

I know it's irony. How I wanted my friends to be with me yet not wanting to get reminded of my past, of all the unhappiness moments. I wish I'm strong enough to depend on myself because eventually, everyone's gonna leave. Nobody would be there for you forever because circumstances or environment changes would definitely cause you two to go on your separate ways.

& I know some people might promise you that they would be there for you if you need them, or even promise to stay in your life forever. I've never ever doubt what they said because I know there are some out there who truly cares about you so definitely, they'll meant it but sometimes, you just can't find the right person to spill your sorrows to, so you'll end up bottling everything to yourself. Nobody understands what I've been thru. And what I'm going thru.

// Blessed. :) They can always turn my frown upside down and ended my day with a smile.