Find myself back

Really need to stop behaving this way. I really hate myself.... I need to stop venting all my frustrations at my mum whenever I feel stress.. I hate how fuck up I am now and how terrible I am as a daughter... Immediately after I threw tantrum at her, guilt started to gnaw at me. Then I felt super bad that I wanted to apologize to her so badly. What made me felt even more guilty was when she replied me 'good girl :)' << smiley face like wth?!? I swear at that point of time I really feel like shit and feel like stabbing myself. I'm all messed up. What's the point of me feeling bad each time after I hurt her yet could still do it all over again? Wtf I seriously think I shouldn't exist. All I do is nothing but bring unhappiness and trouble to people around me. Burden forever. Times like this I really wish for nothing but just a long and tight hug from someone sigh 

I miss all the fun that I had. I miss my bff. I miss boonhui. I miss qad. I miss my buddies. And I miss those good friends of mine that always never fails to make me laugh crazily even without trying so hard to. 

I hope life now is good for them all, just as long as it's not too shitty like mine.